October 4, 2013

I just want to write down my feelings at this very moment so I can later remember how great I feel. I’m not insecure right now. I’m confident with myself, and I’m just so happy because everything is falling together perfectly and just the way I wanted it to. I’ve made it into a great friend circle, and met a new best friend. I get along with her so well, I feel like I’ve known her forever. She loves all the same things I do.

I’m just so glad… this year is just turning out even better than expected. All I have to do is pull of the grades too. I’ve been working hard. And I’ve been going to the gym. I just feel so GOOD. And HAPPY. And I just want to cry because last year I hated university but this time I’m just seeing the good in everything here. I LOVE MY LIFE. And I am grateful.

Rewind

September 21, 2013

I’ve been back at McMaster for 3 weeks now, and it’s been a bit of a roller coaster. It’s been interesting for sure. The first week was crazy, we partied 5 nights in a row. We saw different groups of people.

I had a little breakdown the first day of class because I was overwhelmed after being re-exposed to physics class. I was just so out of the loop with school related things. I’m much better now. So far, second year feels easier somehow. My main stresses have been related to social situations. I have been quite paranoid about going to class alone. I think it’s because I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to make great friends this year. It is hard to get to know people when you can tell they are already close friends with each other.

I’m mad at myself because when I feel insecure, I become all emotional about being single and it is just stupid. I think it’s partly because I feel like there are few people who really know me here. Apart from my roommates, and sometimes not even them, there aren’t many. I know who I am though… and I need to wait for someone who actually cares and wants to get to know me.

This is a little silly, but I looked over someone’s shoulder at their phone in class. The guy who sat in front of me was texting a girl and wrote, “To my Kristina, who holds a special place in my heart. You have become such an important part of my life…”. All I could think is ‘What a lucky girl’.

That is why I’m waiting. It’s hard not to feel lonely especially because all my roommates have boyfriends now. I just need to stop being insecure and remember who I am and what I want in life. I just need to remember to stay down to earth and remember what’s important. Everything happens for a reason and I just can’t lose sight of that.

Taking Control

Today, I am DONE living with the constant feeling of guilt, and I am going to take control of my life. There are so many things in life that we cannot control, so why am I allowing something that I have complete control over be something I worry and feel guilty about literally every single day? It’s time for a change.

Pilot

Well, I am unsure at this moment how this is going to go. What am I starting here? I’ll tell you a bit about myself and what’s going on. I’m an 18 year-old Canadian girl, currently at McMaster University studying first year Engineering. It’s a little strange, isn’t it? Most engineers hate english and writing and anything other than numbers and complicated formulas and reactions and energy… but I’m a bit different from the rest. Or at least I’d like to think so.

The truth is, I have so many things that I am interested in that I didn’t know where to begin. So I began with the toughest university program. The one that practically guarantees me a well-paying job and allows me to feel extremely rewarded when I get a mark of anything over a 70%. The one that was definitely influenced upon me by my now 22 year old brother, also a McMaster engineer, but in his fourth year.

Anyways, without telling my entire life story I will get to the point. The point is that I am very stressed. But in a way that I don’t actually feel that feeling of panic and constant worry… perhaps it is almost the opposite. I just feel calm. I don’t really feel overly happy in my program, maybe because of constant studying and a never-ending workload, or because I left behind the best group of friends from high school and just can’t manage to meet many people living up to them, or maybe because there’s just something else missing.

A hobby. Something to look forward to once classes are finished for the day. I have bursts of the most positive energy and optimism, ideas and inspiration and the desire to actually do something at the end of the day, rather than just sitting in my dorm room, worthlessly on the internet or otherwise doing work during any ounce of time I’m not spending in class. And I want to share this energy. It may be a big dream, but I want to impact someone’s life. And it doesn’t matter the size of the impact, hell, if anyone reads this at all I will be overjoyed.

I suppose I would just like to think that even though I am only an eighteen year-old student, that what I have learned in my life thus far can somehow help someone else in their own life.

Yes, I did use the title of nearly every television series’ first episode for my first post. Let my series begin.